The Royle Wiki
"Alright Dave...Where's the Van?"

Original Broadcast:

30 October 2000

Written by:

Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash

Decorating is the third episode of series three of The Royle Family


Jim and Twiggy are sitting down having a break from decorating and discussing Dave and Denise. The door starts to open and they quickly get back to work, stripping the wallpaper with spatulas and Barbara comes in with the shopping, while Jim quotes about the hard work, even though she insists getting a steamer and he shruggs it off because of the price.

Barbara starts to put streaks of bacon into the pan, while 'Mambo No 5' plays on the radio and they all dance to it while they work. Then Twiggy tells Jim the incident about Dave leaving his van outside the Chemist and phoning the police the next day, thinking it has been robbed and they find it outside the chemist where he left it, causing large guffawing from both Jim and Twiggy and Denise comes in with their tea and asks them what they are laughing about and Jim tells her. The doorbell rings and Dave enters, but Twiggy warns Jim not to say anything. When Dave enters, Jim asks him where the van is and he and Twiggy start to laugh, but he doesn't hear them and Jim repeats it, replacing van with mam. While Jim questions Dave on where Denise is, he also asks him whether he came in the van and whether he had to tell the police and they start to laugh again and Dave susses out that Twiggy told Jim. He also threatens to tell the people down the pub unless he helps with the stripping, which he agrees to. Barbara then comes in with Jim and Twiggy's bacon sandwiches and Dave asks for one and Barbara tells him she was sorry that the police had a go at him, causing another laughing outburst from Jim and Twiggy.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Denise and Cheryl enter and start to admire Baby David and Cheryl discusses her new 'accurate' scales and she is made to take Baby David upstairs while Denise and Barbara have a cigarette and Barbara quotes that Denise is a good mother.

Antony and Darren enter and he automatically asks for food, but they are first forced to greet everyone and Dave comes looking for his Bacon sandwich. In the other room, Dave tells Jim and Twiggy that Darren is going out with 'Big Julie' from Argos who is twice the age of him and Jim lets off a fart and they discuss Beverley Macka and having a good pair of knockers, while in the kitchen, Antony and Darren practise their Ali-G impressions and Denise tells them to go in the other room. When they enter, Darren is the center character of two songs relating to his relationship and is asked whether he has seen her parts, causing him to laugh.