The Royle Wiki


"Keanu My Arse!"

Original Broadcast:

23 September 1999

Written by:

Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash, Carmel Morgan

Pregnancy is the first episode of Series Two of The Royle Family.


The camera pans from a picture of Denise and Dave on their wedding day, from the telly and to Jim and Barbara watching it and Barbara starts to talk about Judith Chalmers. Antony brings up the subject of Darren's cousin being abroad twice and Jim expresses his views about not having to go on holiday.

The doorbell rings and Antony is sent to go and answer it. Denise and Dave enter and sit down and Barbara asks them what they had for their tea and Denise replies with Dairylea on Toast, shocking Jim and sarcastingly asking Dave whether he was looking forward to that when he came home from work. Barbara then offers him a bacon sandwich and he accepts immediately, annoying Denise but she later has some as well. Barbara goes for a cigarette and offers Denise one but she declines and it puzzles Barbara and she let's them both know that she is pregnant and they both congratulate them and celebrate, involving Jim getting off his arse to congratulate them both. Barbara starts to get emotional and expresses how happy Denise has made her.

Barbara tells Antony to bring her the phone so she can tell Nana. But she tells them to call her back after Coronation Street and his annoys Jim who thinks they shouldn't phone her back at all. Antony comes in with the bacon sandwiches and expresses his happiness for the baby. But he forgets to put the red sauce in Dave's sandwich and he is forced to get it.

Barbara reminds them that they should be celebrating and tells Antony to go down the shop and get some Pomagne but Jim suggests getting some champagne instead but when he realises it will cost him about twenty quid, he decides to get the pomagne instead. Denise then suggests that the baby wants some milk and Dave has to go and get it and this causes Jim to call him a soft sod. Barbara asks her whether she will breastfeed and she says she won't because it will have to involve her waking up and Dave can do all the bottlefeeding. She also says she will have to get a nanny because she has to think of her independence, watching Richard & Judy.

Antony comes back from the shop and is forced to give Jim the change and Denise is outraged when he tells her that he told Duckers. They pour out the asti and Jim prepares a speech. Antony is forced to go next door and get Cheryl to tell her that she wants her to be Godmother and Dave wants Gary to be Godfather because his mum died recently and he owes him £200. The next door trio come in singing Congratulations and congratulate Denise and Dave and she tells Cheryl that she wants her to be Godmother and she is honoured. They then start to discuss the star sign of the baby.

They eventually leave and this relieves Jim and he refills his glass. He then heads up the stairs for a shite and Dave reminds him that he will be a Grandad. Going up the stairs, Jim remarks the name 'Keanu' in a My Arse!